The Trouble with Parsnips

Parsnips are just emo carrots.

That’s why nobody likes them. What other vegetable can have such a sorry ass outlook on life? Cucumbers? No, you can make cucumber sandwiches. Sweet Potatoes? No, you can make sweet potato pie. (Also, to avoid confusion, just call them ‘yams’. Four syllables or one syllable; you be the judge.) Even egg plant gets to play a role in the occasional Vegan pasta dish. But, a parsnip is neglected because they are just lousy examples of vegetables in general.

The Parsnip was brought to America during the 1600s from Europe and immediately enjoyed the same success as taxation without representation and driving on the left hand side of the road. Due to its hardiness in cold weather, the parsnip was easily sustained, by the Pilgrims, through the harshness of the first winter in the new world. Sadly, because it didn’t taste at all like turkey, it was traded to the Natives for the territory that would later become Michigan. The Native Americans had the last laugh a few months later when they ‘re-gifted’ the parsnips (stained bright orange with red clay to resemble carrots) back to the Pilgrims in what would become the first April Fools Practical Joke in America. Not one to take jokes well…or laugh…or smile, the Puritans killed many Native Americans, enslaving the survivors through guilt in the form of Christianity.

Other roots have gone on to have marked success in various consumer markets because of their willingness to be palatable. Ginger is now a small ingredient listed after High Fructose Corn Syrup in commercially produced Ginger Ale. Sassafras is almost as fun to say (instead of a swear word, it just sounds scandalous) as it is to drink. Oh, what’s that you say? You don’t drink sassafras? Pish Posh. Certainly you’ve had a glass of Root Beer!

A message to Parsnips everywhere:

I’m sorry, Parsnips. You have a great personality…well, not really, but…well, this is hard for me too, all right. I mean it’s not you, it’s me. You see, you don’t taste that good and I don’t feel like eating you in lieu of all of the other vegetables that give a damn. Go talk to fruit and see if you can hang out with them for awhile until you figure out what to do next…we’ll manage without you.